I Loved Her and I Lost Her

Trigger Warning: Abortion 


I write this with a great deal of sadness in my heart, and an equal amount of love.

I have lost a child.

The grief in my soul, my womb, my heart, is beyond words.

For 10 years not once have I allowed myself to say to anyone that I have lost a child..because I chose to terminate my unborn baby. And because that’s what I chose I have always believed that it would be unfair of me to say that I lost her.

But I did.

I loved her. And I lost her.

Today I share my story with you, as part of my grieving process. For today I realise I am allowed to grieve for such loss, I offer myself the space to grieve for the energy that lived inside of me, energy that was removed from me, leaving a gaping raw wound.

A void I never believed could be filled.

Today I have decided to allow the grief to consume me…I will respond to every ounce of loss and pain with my unconditional love, I will transmute this suffering in to joy. This is how I will put myself back together. This is how I will fill the void.

I loved her. And I lost her.

As a young woman living in today’s patriarchal society there is a huge stigma around abortion, a dark shadow looms around it, a disease without a cure.

Fuck that.

No one will ever understand how it feels to be put in such a position, apart from the woman who is experiencing it in that very moment.

Women are Love, we are the Goddesses of Eternal and Unconditional Love. We are the Givers of Life..so why are we made to feel as though we shouldn’t be allowed to choose? As though that choice belongs to someone else?


tell me why I don’t deserve to decide whether or not I am ready to give my unborn baby life?

I loved her. And I lost her.

There are many reasons why a woman would choose not to bring a child into this world..and they are mostly always selfless.

The moment you find out you are with child, you are a Mother.

As a Mother, society expects you to put your child before oneself. And of course naturally, we do. We do this because as women we are nurturers, lovers, we are designed to Love unconditionally, whole heartedly.

And that, we do.

Please then,

tell me why then is it any different if our child is still in the womb? Isn’t it my right as a woman and a mother to make decisions around what’s best for my child, and what’s best for myself, as that child’s Mother?

Regardless of how “old” my child is?

I loved her. And I lost her.

I have spent the last 10 years of my life in pain, pain that exists in the very depths of my being, surfacing every now and then to remind me how deeply the loss of my child has hurt me. I have experienced the most debilitating feelings of guilt, loss, grief, and trauma.

During this time, I have been drowning in the idea that:

“I don’t DESERVE to feel any of these emotions because I CHOSE to terminate my baby.

And because that’s what I CHOSE, then this pain is surely what I DESERVE.”

The very thought has been so damaging to my soul…my heart, my entire being. Only today have I realised that this line of thought is so far from the truth. I carried that child for a reason, she taught me the power of love. She taught me the power of being a woman. She taught me about the power of my womb.

I loved her. And I lost her.

In this moment of clarity and presence, I gift my baby’s energy back to the Universe, the Great Mother accepts her blessed spirit with open arms, and I am free.

I can feel my daughter beside me, urging me to let go of the attachment to the pain that has kept me suffering. Fearful of who I might be without this womb full of grief.

She holds my hand and whispers that she is right here with me. That she loves me. She tells me that I am not alone. Because she feels my sadness, and she loves me unconditionally. She’s tells me that she too is a strong woman, just like her mother..

I lost her. And I will always love her.